Reflections of the Past Week

Sometimes I get caught up thinking that I'm impervious to everything around me, nothing gets me down, nothing gets me scared. Some things I push off as inconsequential, things that get squeezed out for higher priority things and I just accept it as something that I can't make time for. I seem to be perfectly fine with it, I'm secure with it, no fears, no regret.

I really wonder sometimes if I am acting out of security or indifference. One of my biggest fears is getting lulled into that false sense of security where in my mind, I think my thoughts, priorities and emotions are in check, but my heart feels differently . Most of the time I do try to approach every situation with a positive attitude and mindset but sometimes I really wonder if it's the combination of denial and indifference that I'm actually feeling. Deep down inside, part of me wonders of I have a healthy fear or respect for God. I follow him and I know he loves me, but do I fear him? When I remind myself of this, is it coming fr0m the head or the heart?

I had a couple of things happen me this past week that really showed me how in denial and indifferent I really had been. One was EM, our fellowship's evangelistic meeting. Up to this point, fellowship, church and worship had felt almost complacent to me. As much as I tried to get myself excited to go, I just simply struggle having the right mindset. I find that I am physically there, but the rest of me is somewhere else. At our EM, it was almost like a rebirth for me. Just seeing my brothers and sisters up there, playing, performing skits, sharing their testimonies, knowing that God was working though them since the very beginning, left me in awe.