Brokenness
This one is going to be very profound.
For the past couple of months I've never felt I was ever at peace with myself. It was having that feeling that there's something you are so deeply afraid to acknowledge, let alone confront, that you just often try to avoid it by deal with other issues. I likened the situation to going to the doctors office and being told you have cancer but then you say you have a paper cut and would rather take care of it first. You'd think that it would make perfect sense to deal with the more important issue first, but its the realization that having to deal with it is what makes it so hard in the first place.
Over those past couple of months, I never wanted to admit that there was something that had been bothering the very core of me. Shades of itself surfaced when I blogged about "Stepping Out", "The Difference between Being Mature and Being Serious"and "My Biggest Fear", especially "My Biggest Fear." All of these had two thing in common: It showed me how much of my past life I still lived in and how painful and bitter it was to acknowledge its existence. But why did it matter so much to me? It's because I was focused on trying to be a good example to others that I wasn't being honest with God.
Seeing what Christ has done in my life and in several others had also forced me to acknowledged just how empty my life was beforehand and just how horrible a person I was. Each and every new lesson I learned brought joy and shame to me because it showed how weak I really am and worse, that I chose to remain weak. It was finally admitting that the my own worse enemy has always been myself. That for my entire adolescence, I've carried the guilt and shame of living in absolute mediocrity, irresponsibility and selfishness. It's knowing that I'll never get back those days and missed opportunities again. My mind always knew this and has always tried to shake it off, but my soul was never at peace.
Recently, the constant strain of school, the reality of the real-world knocking at my door and just the overall uncertainty of the future just bore down on me. I couldn't focus. It got to the point where I knew I had to come face to face with my past and acknowledge my sorrow and regrets all before God. Each and every bit. It wasn't until after that moment did I feel peace. That in my heart, I felt I was no longer haunted by my past.
I think this is what they call brokenness. It's choosing to strip away everything you've ever built up, momentarily be left with nothing and trusting that God will provide you with an unbreakable foundation to start over with. I had asked God to do this because I had desperately wanted to stop living an empty and meaningless life. That I wanted to be something better, something great and knowing this was the only way to ever achieve that victory within.
For the past couple of months I've never felt I was ever at peace with myself. It was having that feeling that there's something you are so deeply afraid to acknowledge, let alone confront, that you just often try to avoid it by deal with other issues. I likened the situation to going to the doctors office and being told you have cancer but then you say you have a paper cut and would rather take care of it first. You'd think that it would make perfect sense to deal with the more important issue first, but its the realization that having to deal with it is what makes it so hard in the first place.
Over those past couple of months, I never wanted to admit that there was something that had been bothering the very core of me. Shades of itself surfaced when I blogged about "Stepping Out", "The Difference between Being Mature and Being Serious"and "My Biggest Fear", especially "My Biggest Fear." All of these had two thing in common: It showed me how much of my past life I still lived in and how painful and bitter it was to acknowledge its existence. But why did it matter so much to me? It's because I was focused on trying to be a good example to others that I wasn't being honest with God.
Seeing what Christ has done in my life and in several others had also forced me to acknowledged just how empty my life was beforehand and just how horrible a person I was. Each and every new lesson I learned brought joy and shame to me because it showed how weak I really am and worse, that I chose to remain weak. It was finally admitting that the my own worse enemy has always been myself. That for my entire adolescence, I've carried the guilt and shame of living in absolute mediocrity, irresponsibility and selfishness. It's knowing that I'll never get back those days and missed opportunities again. My mind always knew this and has always tried to shake it off, but my soul was never at peace.
Recently, the constant strain of school, the reality of the real-world knocking at my door and just the overall uncertainty of the future just bore down on me. I couldn't focus. It got to the point where I knew I had to come face to face with my past and acknowledge my sorrow and regrets all before God. Each and every bit. It wasn't until after that moment did I feel peace. That in my heart, I felt I was no longer haunted by my past.
I think this is what they call brokenness. It's choosing to strip away everything you've ever built up, momentarily be left with nothing and trusting that God will provide you with an unbreakable foundation to start over with. I had asked God to do this because I had desperately wanted to stop living an empty and meaningless life. That I wanted to be something better, something great and knowing this was the only way to ever achieve that victory within.
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