My Biggest Fear
Everyday I find out a bit more about who really and and who I really was. It is truly eye popping to uncover the layers of yourep down inside, consiously or unconciously. I came across the age old question of where my heart lies, what are my interests, my concerns, my ambition, my passion. Nothing new here. But then I came something that made me ask myself what my personality is.
Genuine? Sure. Easy Going? Probably. Nice? I bit too much. Knowing what my true passions, interests, dreams lie? Not sure. Boring or dull? Afraid to answer that.
Why am I afraid to answer this simple question? Because I'm afraid of what the truth might reveal. That deep down inside I feel I am boring person. That I feel that I don't leave a lasting impression on anyone or am much fun to be around. Part of it is the fallacy of what I think God expects from us. I know he often wants us to put him first in our lives, and to serve, but I often think that doing so comes at the expense of having fun.
The more I reflect on it, the more I realize that my rational is merely a cover up from confronting my fears and acknowledging a truth I often deny in myself. Recognizing how deeply rooted this part of me really is leaves me shocked.
Each and every day I learn a little bit more about the person I was, and I am thankful, no matter how ugly the truth is. Lately it seems more and more that God is calling me to step out and discover what my interests, ambitions and hidden talents are. It's as if he's telling me to be more impulsive and starting making the effort to experimenting and seek what desire and great enthusiasms he's planted in me. It is such an strange feeling having the rationale that you were once so convicted too start making less and less sense.
God has given me such an enormous challenge. To come face to face with a fear that I've let live inside me for all my life and tear away another part of my old self. It's something I've always desired but right now it feels marred by all the uncertainty and questions that I have. The only thing I know for certain is that if I honestly put God first in this matter he will show me the truth. It's the only thing I know that always true.
Genuine? Sure. Easy Going? Probably. Nice? I bit too much. Knowing what my true passions, interests, dreams lie? Not sure. Boring or dull? Afraid to answer that.
Why am I afraid to answer this simple question? Because I'm afraid of what the truth might reveal. That deep down inside I feel I am boring person. That I feel that I don't leave a lasting impression on anyone or am much fun to be around. Part of it is the fallacy of what I think God expects from us. I know he often wants us to put him first in our lives, and to serve, but I often think that doing so comes at the expense of having fun.
The more I reflect on it, the more I realize that my rational is merely a cover up from confronting my fears and acknowledging a truth I often deny in myself. Recognizing how deeply rooted this part of me really is leaves me shocked.
Each and every day I learn a little bit more about the person I was, and I am thankful, no matter how ugly the truth is. Lately it seems more and more that God is calling me to step out and discover what my interests, ambitions and hidden talents are. It's as if he's telling me to be more impulsive and starting making the effort to experimenting and seek what desire and great enthusiasms he's planted in me. It is such an strange feeling having the rationale that you were once so convicted too start making less and less sense.
God has given me such an enormous challenge. To come face to face with a fear that I've let live inside me for all my life and tear away another part of my old self. It's something I've always desired but right now it feels marred by all the uncertainty and questions that I have. The only thing I know for certain is that if I honestly put God first in this matter he will show me the truth. It's the only thing I know that always true.
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