A couple of days ago, I was driving home along the highway during a really heavy rainstorm and that when I heard it on the radio. Tornado warning. I always used to think, "Whatever, it's nowhere close to me, I don't have to think about it too much." This time it's different. My mind envisions this crazy scenario where a tornado suddenly falls from the sky, engulfs me and lifts me up high above the ground. Everything's completely out my control and I am helpless.

And then a voice suddenly speaks to me. It's God.

God: "Pat, it's your time."
Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"
God: "Pat, it's time to go."
Me: "You're kidding me. But I'm only 22."
God: "But aren't you excited to finally meet me in heaven?"

Then this feeling of fear, anxiety and regret overcomes me completely.

Me: "In all honesty, no I'm not. I haven't even begun to make use of my potential. There's so much I haven't done. Haven't tried. So much more I'm capable of doing and sharing."
God: "Well, you know what matters is knowing in your heart you gave it your very best every day for me. Did you?"
Me: [Silence]
God: "I don't understand, you completely knew that living for me was the only way you could ever live a full life. You knew and accepted the story of Jesus Christ. So why are you silent?"
Me: "Because I thought I had more time."
God: "So you took the days I gave you for granted. You've been half asleep."
Me: "Yeah...I have."
God: "Then Wake up."

I'm left absolutely speechless.

No room for doubt

I've asked a lot of my non-christian friends what it is that they believe in and why they don't believe in the story of Jesus Christ. The most common answer that I get is that they do believe that there is a spiritual entity that is out there, but just not the way it's laid out in the Christian doctrine. It isn't so much a dislike or mistrust of one specific religion but rather a reluctance to be associated with any major one. What also stops them is when they see someone who proclaims that they are "Christian", but by observing they way they lead their lives, you'd swear the name Jesus has no meaning to them. Bad witnessing. And I despise it.

No wonder so many people out there have trouble believing. It appears as though they have more conviction in their beliefs than some of us Christians. We're taking on a harder burden? I don't buy that excuse. When we accepted Jesus Christ as saviour, we chose to take on that responsibility. Are we perfect? Absolutely not, but I do believe that we are suppose to be armed with the hope in God and perseverence to overcome the obstacles the world throws at us and live that full life that God preplanned for us.

Day in, day out, there's so many people who have heard of Jesus but haven't a clue who he Jesus really is. And I'm sure there are numerous opportunities to come to build ourselves towards that full life that is waiting for us, but we don't take it. Something stops us. Fear, persecution, doubt, self-confidence, discipline, ignorance? Why do we care so much about what other people may think of us? If you're eloquent enough in your approach you'd be amazed how much more receptive people are. It may not have the immediate effect that we all hope, but from personal experience, God never wastes a moment.

So let me reiterate, there are people out there who live day in and day out without Christ. And then there's us Christians. Ask yourself, are we living that full, purposed filled life or are we stumbling in mediocrity? Can you say with absolute conviction that you believe God is good, that Jesus has the power to transform, heal and save lives? If you can't say it, then ask yourself what's stopping you and where's your confidence? Because if you can't back up what you believe without a shadow of a doubt then how can you possibly expect your non-christian friends to? Throw away all that self conciousness, it's not about you anymore. Rejoice in your struggles. In this role that we find ourselves in, there's no room for if's and maybe's. The spotlight is on us whether we realize it or not, whether we like it or not.

esse quam videri: To be, rather than to seem.

I've been reading John Eldredge's Wild At Heart. The book is about rediscovering the man's heart. What truly makes him go. It's initially very contrary to the stereotypical view of what the Christian male is suppose to be. Maybe that why I'm enjoying it so much.

The one part of the book I'm reading about now talks about how a majority of men are in fact pretenders. That the majority of the time, our actions are driven by an deep desire to become the wild, courageous, dangerous man we were meant to become however there is something that stops us, so all we become are mere shells of what we could and should be. Perhaps, deep inside, what drives a majority of our actions is the need to reaffirm our masculinity and approval of others. The only problem is, we are constantly searching for affirmation in the wrong places or simply expect it to happen without really earning it.

I was thinking about that premise of being a pretender at what I do. Every week, I drive to Pickering, grab a paddle, put on a life jacket and climb into a boat with 19 other team mates. This however, doesn't automatically make me a dragonboater, but a person that does dragonboating. For 4 years I studied engineering, however that does not automatically make me an engineer. The person who wishes to design and create is a true engineer. Likewise, the person who only acts like a believer of Christ in front of others but whose heart is elsewhere is merely a pretender Christ. I'm only speaking for myself, because I know my own actions.

esse quam videri. To be, rather than to seem. I don't want to pretend anymore. There's a caged animal that's waiting to come out, but I'm not willing to take the jump. I'm tired of envisioning all the potential that's in me but choosing not to make use of it. This constant self-sabatoge has got to stop now. I don't want to miss out anymore.