Starfield - Can I Stay Here Forever?

The lyrics desribed how I've been feeling lately. So desperate to go beyond what I am. So determined to turn my dreams of what I can be to reality that I just lose perspective of why I want it in the first place. My heart never lets me feel at peace until I acknowledge that its because I've drifted so far away from God. This world has so much beauty that I can't begin to embrace it all. I almost always get lost in trying to do so. In the end, it always comes full circle and I find that all I want to do is rediscover the source of everything that made me say "This is where I want to be."

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I’ve been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You

Like a child I'll take You at Your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought, and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever here with You?

I've lost sight of what first drew me
To the love that pursued me
The joy that inspired my song
The friendship that was all I knew
The arms that I would fall into
Seem miles and years from where I am today
I got to get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only You

Can I stay here forever
Here with you?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth
Always, I'll stay
Always here with You

Can I be here forever
Here with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You

Love Each Other

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remained in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one that this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."

John 15:9-17

It was that last line that hit me the most. So much of my focus has been on my character development and discipline that I was starting to lose touch with everything around me. I'm trying so hard to raise my own expectations and live up to my potential that it started coming at the expense of being compassionate. You expect so much of yourself that you start to get frustrated at constantly falling short. Becoming something great is and empty accomplishment if you lose your ability to love and care in the process. Fundamentally, every human being understands this concept but its bears repeating. Yes, hard work and integrity are incredibly important in this world, but I can't help but notice Jesus gave us only one command. "Love each Other."

Going Legitimate

I think God's been pressing the issue into my heart for a while now. Going legitimate with the music that I have. Morality wise, there really is no question of what is the right thing to do. However, I've found human nature tends to be very good at finding ways to delay doing the right thing. In my case, It was me saying that if I know I'm going to buy the CD later on, I'm justified by owning it now. It doesn't work that way. Deep inside there's this gut feeling was telling me to act now.

How I chose to go legitimate was what made the difference. I wanted to go face to face with ever song that I owned, fully exposing the guilty culprit that I am by typing out each song. An otherwise tedious process if not for listening to my music one last time. One last time together before we part ways. Selecting what songs to play is where it got interesting. When you know you're saying good-bye to something you always want to cherish the moment, or in this case, listen to the songs that go beyond just sounding good, but that are meaningful to you personally.

Several relevations dawned on me that very moment. Saying good-bye to a majority of my music was surprising easy when I realized that what I had was merely superficial. There was very little attachment to the songs, more like a propietary arrangement. I only enjoyed owning them, using them as files to get access to more music. That was it, a very temporary glee would spurn from me at the ownership of something new. Perhaps the opportunity to appreciate my music on a deeper level was always there, but I just never tooked the chance to look into it. It's something I won't be able to find out till later on.

The other relevation came from the songs that that did matter to me. It's amazing how a song can awaken a memory long forgotten in a sea of newly formed memories, reminders of all the little musical phases you went through in your earlier years. It then dawned on me then that it wasn't the music that I valued so much, but the memories. Letting them go was tough for me, bucuase in that sense, I was potentially letting go of some fond memories that lead to so many life changing events. The toughest to let go was my worships songs that has stirred my soul so many times. To see for myself if it's my faith that brings me so much joy in the music, as it should be, or vice versa.

So, 800 deleted songs (thank goodness I'm not a download fanatic), 8 tossed out burnt CD's later I am now legitimate with my music. Music is such an integral part of my life and choosing to temporarily give up some of it up was very tough. But merely having a song without earning the right to have it is to miss out on the potentially bigger value behind it.

When I chose to gave up the music I didn't deserve in the first place, all I expected in return was a feeling of integrity and being less hypocritical. What in return was revisited memories I'm determined to remember, a new appreciation for music, writing inspiration and most importantly, a reconnection with God that wasn't very good as of late. Music is a wonderful privilege and I'm all for going legitimate. The trade off is worth it beyond imagination.