Reflections of the Past Week (Continued)

I remember two things very fondly at EM. One was when they were playing the song "The Source", my eyes started tearing up when I was singing. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was singing from the heart. It wasn't just that though, for the first time I was able to fully express my spiritual side to my friend which up to this point, I hadn't really been able to show. Just being able to share it made it special. The other thing was after hearing Lincoln's testimony and bowing our heads in prayer. A couple things were running through my head that made so much sense, it shocked me just how true it was in my case. Lincoln was talking about how we change who we are based on what we think other people think of us. His exact words were:

"I am not who I think I am, I am not who you think I am, I am who I think you think I am."

So very true. During the prayer, I can remember Lincoln asking the crowd if there was anyone who wanted to follow Christ or know more about him, raise there hand. There was a part of me that just wanted to raise my hand and say "I want to rediscover Christ all over again." Just recapture that exact moment where I felt his love overwhelm me. That night, I was told that quite a few raised their hands during that moment. All I could think was just happy I was for them that they were willing to take that step.

Another relevation hit me that night. I had dealt with a situation which I thought I was completely fine in, only to realize that I was only really kidding myself. Deep down inside there was a part of me that wasn't quite in synch with my thoughts and was bothering me for a while. It wasn't until I ran into that person that it dawned on me what was bothering me. I didn't want to admit that I felt hurt by someone I cared for even though the situation played itself out the best it could. Part of me was probably angry that I was put in a situation that was really out of my control and it's something that I can't fix. It was that realization that almost felt liberating in a weird sense. Much like admitting that I struggle with a lot of things.

A lot really did happen that week. Just having the chance to really think about what had been dragging me down from seeking God was a start. I think it was the realization that while we are trying to emulate Christ as best we can, it's okay to admit that we struggle and not get caught up our pride. Even the strongest Christians probably go through these struggles. I guess its knowing that we're not always perfect is a bit of a reassurance in some way. Sometimes, I really wonder if God or Jesus ever struggled with any of the decisions they had to make or if they knew instantly what to say or do for every situation that occured. Perhaps that's something really goes beyond anything the human mind could ever really comprehend.

Reflections of the Past Week

Sometimes I get caught up thinking that I'm impervious to everything around me, nothing gets me down, nothing gets me scared. Some things I push off as inconsequential, things that get squeezed out for higher priority things and I just accept it as something that I can't make time for. I seem to be perfectly fine with it, I'm secure with it, no fears, no regret.

I really wonder sometimes if I am acting out of security or indifference. One of my biggest fears is getting lulled into that false sense of security where in my mind, I think my thoughts, priorities and emotions are in check, but my heart feels differently . Most of the time I do try to approach every situation with a positive attitude and mindset but sometimes I really wonder if it's the combination of denial and indifference that I'm actually feeling. Deep down inside, part of me wonders of I have a healthy fear or respect for God. I follow him and I know he loves me, but do I fear him? When I remind myself of this, is it coming fr0m the head or the heart?

I had a couple of things happen me this past week that really showed me how in denial and indifferent I really had been. One was EM, our fellowship's evangelistic meeting. Up to this point, fellowship, church and worship had felt almost complacent to me. As much as I tried to get myself excited to go, I just simply struggle having the right mindset. I find that I am physically there, but the rest of me is somewhere else. At our EM, it was almost like a rebirth for me. Just seeing my brothers and sisters up there, playing, performing skits, sharing their testimonies, knowing that God was working though them since the very beginning, left me in awe.

Pass It On

I heard this song on the KCCF 35th anniversary CD. The song was composed by Kurt Kaiser 35 years ago. I wonder if that was sheer coincidence or on purpose. When I heard the track for the first time I was struck by how simple and beautiful every part of the song was. A lot of it describes just how I feel about God's love.

There's a line in the lyrics that really struck me: "That's how it is with God's love, Once you've experienced it, you spread his love to everyone; You want to pass it on." It really got me thinking about remembering when I truly felt his love for the first time. It's still very crystal clear in my head, I can recall exactly when the spark started that ignited everything. When I do think about it, it's just overwhelms me.

Can you recall that very moment when God put that spark in your hearts? That moment where you knew for the rest of your life you wanted to dedicate it to him? That moment that made you want to tell the world about his love? I think he always finds ways to amaze us, but the very first time he does leaves the most lasting impression.

Here's the song lyrics:

It only takes a spark to get a fire going.
And soon all those around, can warm up in glowing.
That's how it is with God's love,
Once you've experienced it, you spread His love to everyone;
You want to pass it on.

What a wondrous time is spring, when all the tres are budding;
The birds begin to sing, the flowers start their blooming.
That's how it is with God's love;
Once you've experienced it, you want to sing
"It's fresh like spring."; you want to pass it on.

I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I've found.
You can depend on Him, it matters not where you're bound.
I'll shout it from the mountain top.
I want the world to know; the Lord of lave has come to me,
I want to pass it on.

A Different Mindset

I had an amazing time this weekend. This saturday was our SciFormal where all the graduating engineers come together all dressed up for one big expensive party. Expensive both in a monetary and time commitment sense. All of us were called to put in 45 hours of construction work and pay $105 for each ticket so we can go. Now 45 hours is a lot to time to put in for anyone's schedule and at first it seems almost unjustifiable, but then you see the final product and you can't help but be amazed. There was no shortcutting on the details, every little bit counts.

I recall just how much I was dreading doing my construction hours. So much so that I made a couple deals with friends to help me out. When I was there, painting away, the one thing that struck me was just how much I was enjoying the painting. How much I was enjoying the company that was around me. I also remember during the final week of construction just sitting down and putting together an electrical junction box, slowly rediscovering the electrician in me not seen since the days of high school shop class. Very nostalgic. It also gave me time to reflect on what been going on in my life, spiritually and physically and where I need to go. Something I hadn't had time for lately. After I was done my hours, I came to realize that the hours I was dreading so much, wasn't very dreadful at all. So what changed? I still had to put in the same amount of hours, I still had school being rammed down my throat. The only that changed was my attitude. I shouldn't consider these hours as a chore, but more as an opportunity to bond and contribute to something amazing. Contribute to something that only really happens once in our lifetimes.

The night of sciformal was absolutely incredible. But what made it special wasn't just how good the place looked, or how pimped out everyone was. What made it special was that it was an accumulation of friends I had met during my time here. Many who have been an absolute blessing to know. For me, Sciformal wasn't one night of fun, or two months of construction. Sciformal was four years in the making. There were a lot of awesome things that happened that week that I could've easily missed if I didn't look with the right frame of mind. So much of it is all about what mindset you have. That is something really amazing.

Second Chances

Sunday morning, when I probably would've been passing out at service from lack of sleep, I found myself completely awake. My eyes and ears were focused on the guest speaker, Ho Ming Tsui, hanging off of every word he spoke about during his sermon that morning. He talked about the verse of John 8, where the famous line "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." came from. What was so interesting was how he focuses on what might've been the reasons that would lead this woman to commit adultery. What had to have been happening in her life that leads up to that very point where she succumbs to temptation. Suddenly, this story has a very human element to it. Suddenly, it's not so easy to focus on the sin itself and pass judgement. One other thing that was also pointed out is that Jesus doesn't condone nor condemn the woman. He gives a second chance.

Ho Ming also talked about how we are often so ready to "cast stones" at others when we ourselves are far from blameless. It got me really thinking about my thoughts and actions towards others. How I can be so quick to judge others over something very insignificant. Something that came to my mind is that carrying these "stones" is analagous to carrying physicals stones. All they do is add excess baggage and slow you down from achieving your final destination. I really should give these people a second chance. It's who we should try to be.

This week, I had a bit of time to give some thought as to why I've gradually became this and the answer was pretty clear. I've been living for myself as of late. I get dissapointed at myself when I fail to be a good witness or when I stop caring for a little bit. I sometimes wonder how I could even entertain the notion of it, when there's so much that I have been given. In the end, I really think I need to remind myself why I seeked God so much 10 months ago. I need a refresher. I need to realize that these second chances are by the grace of God and not freebies to be expected.