77,000...

77,000 and counting. At least 500,000 reported injured. That's the current death toll of the tsunami that's wreaked havoc across Asia earlier this week and they say it's suppose to be up to 100,000. I can't begin the imagine what the sight of that must be like or perhaps I don't want to. I was looking at photos taken from places that all have been affected by this disaster and it just hits me how very real it is.

Everything that these people own has gone up in ruins. Shelter, food, water, everything. It strikes me just how easy it can be to lose all your possessions in an instant. And that's not even the most important part. I wonder just how many people are worried and affected by this disaster. How many people are wondering where there love ones are and how many people are on the brink of survival and clinging to some sense of hope. Thinking about it really saddens my heart.

It is encouraging to see how fast the international community is reacting to send relief and how people, regardless of ethnicity, creed or otherwise are willing to come together to help out. As if for a moment, whatever pettiness or politicking that's always omnipresent is taking a back seat.

I had a chance to reflect for a moment about where I've been through all of this. What if something like that were to happen at home. Our fellowship's English EM (Evangelistic Meeting) played out skit where a meteor was heading towards the earth and about to obliterate it in 3 hours. While that scenario may seem a bit farfetched the point it makes is very clear: Life is fragile and so are we. Deep down inside I know that I still take what I have for granted. If it all were come to a sudden stop, I don't know If I could say I've come close to making the most of what I've been given.

I hope I take this as a wake up call that really hits me. That it reminds me to live for him. But nevermind myself, I just pray for all the people who are struggling out there right now and all the people who are doing their best they can to help. I also pray that everyone can be reunited with their loved ones. 77,000...wow.

Breaking Free

Going home always feels a bit bittersweet for me. It's always nice to be able to see my family and friends, especially because I hardly see them on a frequent basis while I'm in school. Still, part of me always dreads physically being home just because there's are quite a few things that always remind me of the person I used to be and what drove me to become that type of person, in both a positive and negative sense.

Being away from home has allowed me to really discover who I am and try to develop into that person. Yet, when I'm at home, the temptation to revert back into my former self is sometimes all too great. One of the great thing about being on holidays is having that time to reflect on what's been going on in your life and being home has made me realized just far I've come and at the same time, how far I still need to go. There's a lot that of my past that I find I still have to face and overcome...most notably making to attempts to be disciplines, humbled and not so self centred.

When I went away from home I figured that I didn't have to worry about dealing my past mistakes for good. All this time, I've merely been running and hiding from my past rather than confronting it and that there still is a part of that past that's in the present. One of the toughest things for me to swallow is realizing just what the consequences have been for my actions, or inactions growing up. More than anything else, I really regret never being fully committed to anything I did and always settling for less. The biggest one that always comes to my mind is taking care of my physical health, which I am terrible at.

I think that to be able to truly break free from your past is to recognize that your entire past, mistakes and everything, is very much an important part of who we've become regardless how much we may not want to admit it at times. I've come to realize being forgiven for ours sins does not mean that we get away with it consequence free. That in fact, the only person that is stopping me from following God's path is me. That who I really am is quite the contrast to who I think I am. That part of being true to yourself is to recognize where you're weak.

I'm sure everyone has their own personal struggles that they have dealt with for a long time. I'm also sure that God constantly provides tests for the to overcome in his name. I think this may be God's biggest test for me yet...In fact, it's one that may have been going on for years. With his help, I pray to truly break free from that past I hold on to and not merely run from it. After all, God gives us the freedom to choose. Choosing to overcome it will only add credence to his glory.

A New Beginning

Today was perhaps the biggest day of my spiritual journey. Today I formally said goodbye to the old me and go towards a new life devoted to Christ. Today was my baptism. For me, the most special part of the entire service wasn't sharing my testimony or the actual act of baptism. The biggest thing for me was having my family there to see and share that moment with them.

In a way baptism is special for me because it is a formal declaration of who I am, and in a way I don't get overly worked up about because it merely is a symbol of what is in my heart. When I think about it, it really isn't about me nor should it be. It's about him and the profound effect that he's made in my life to glorify his name.

I also can't forget about all the people that I've met who's constant encouragement and guidance always keep me moving forward. To each and everyone one of you I've had the blessing of meeting since the start, my eternal thanks and love goes out to you all. I don't know what I'd be without all of you.

10 months into my journey I've hit another milestone. Today will go down as one of the happiest, no...joyous days of my life. December 19th, 2004 marks the day I official became a child of God.

Pour Out My Heart

The past little while I felt completely inadequate. Just no matter how hard I tried I still felt it wasn't good enough and that anyone could do the task better than me. It really bummed me out just because I know there's something in me that is capable of doing more but the results aren't there.

I was listening to this song for probably the 8th time during the day or but it wasn't until I focused on the lyrics did I realize just beautiful the song really is. It brought a real sense of calm to me, not because the melody sounded nice, but because it reminded me that God is always faithful and he is always there with me.

Here's the lyrics:

Here I am, once again
I pour out my heart for I know that you hear
Every cry you are listening
No matter what state my heart is in

You are faithful to answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real as I feel your touch
You bring a freedom to all that’s within

In the safety of this place

I’m longing to…
Pour out my heart
To say that I love you
Pour out my heart
To say that I need you
Pour out my heart
To say that I’m thankful
Pour out my heart
To say that you’re wonderful

Something Indescribable

Last Sunday, I witnessed something so amazing that it left me in tears. It was my very first time ever seeing a baptism service. WhenI found out that one of the people getting was someone that I knew, it shocked me. There's something about seeing someone publicly declare their love and faith for Christ and God that is indescribable.

When it all was happening just a multitude of feelings and thoughts came rushing to my head. Part of me was overwhelmed with joy seeing someone take that next big step in their spiritual journey torwards Christ and seeing how God has worked in their lives already. The other part of me felt so saddened and apologetic just by how far away I really had distanced myself from Christ over the past little while. It was one of the most bittersweet moments I had ever really experienced.

Over the past little while, I had felt myself taking a lot of things for granted and at times I just didn't care. I had found that all my attempts to be disciplined and making the most of all the talent wasn't really going anywhere and it really made me stop and think about why that was. A thought came to me that maybe instead of praying for God to teach me discipline, I'd pray that God fuel that desire in me to know him more, and through that the discipline will come. Maybe that's the lesson that God's been trying to drill in me over the past little while.

Lately, I almost feel that God is trying to prepare me for something. I had the chance to go to Rideau Heights and spend time with the kids up there, I was able to share with my friend how my faith has really affected me, I have my baptism coming up and recently I was asked if I wanted to lead a bible study for the winter retreat. The last one really surprised me. I was amazed by the fact that my name got mentioned when they were looking for people. I'm not sure if I'm even available to do it that weekend, but I'll pray about it.

The one big thing I took out of all of this is knowing that their are people out there who believe that I could be considered a worthy candidate for leading bible study. I can't help but feel honoured. Knowing this really struck a sense of urgency and awareness in me. I don't really know where God is leading me at the moment but I feel that I must be more accountable and disciplined than ever before. Just knowing that there's someone out there that has been watching the way I carry myself is like a microcosm of what God has been doing all along. This is something I really don't get about myself. Shouldn'y the undeniable fact that God is watching should be more than enough to keep myself accountable? Maybe it's my own selfishness that gets in the way of everything. Either way, I want to try and kick my faith up a notch now so I can feel a bit more worthy of being asked to serve in such a way. Maybe this is God's way of answering my prayer.