Finding yourself

I know the kind of person I was in the past and I think I know the kind of person I want to become in the future. Goal-wise I thought I had it figured out. But during this transition from being who I was in the past to want I want to be, I seem to be losing sight of who I am. It's an odd, limboish feeling when you come face to face with it.

So, who exactly am I? It's another one of those things that happens to everyone. You can't just define who you are in just a few sentences, can you? Well, I can define the main characteristics of me, but then the next question I ask is: "Is being who I am, or who I want to be, enough personality wise? Are you interesting enough?" Does any of us ever feel interesting enough, really? How can you find an answer to that question when the answer is completely subjective.

I did find an answer to both my questions that I could live with. A friend of mine told two things. First, he said that you have to find out what you truly enjoy doing. Finding out what's out there that you love, rather than what you like. We actually had a sermon at my church about a similar topic that week. The main point that the speaker was trying to make was that too often, we are people of preference rather than people of conviction. The message is still the same, in order to have that conviction, you need to have a passion and unwavering desire for it.

Secondly, as far as being interesting goes, he said that you can be as interesting as you want to be. Interesting as you want to be...that got me thinking, while there's always room for improvement in me, the current product isn't necessarily uninteresting, but perhaps just needs a tune up in the presentation. The analogy that I came up with was like a changing the marketing for the product. Good product, but can be much more effective if better advertised.

To finish off, it all can be summed in another quote that the same church speaker made in his sermon. Not necessarily about being interesting, but about finding yourself. Same idea, different wording.

"If something's wrong, make it right. If something's right, make it happen."

The first part is easy. The second part is what sets us apart.

Body and Spirit

I remember reading somewhere "What you do to your body, your body pays back to you with interest."

I recently sprained my knee for the first time in my life. It's a scary feeling when you have very little mobility with your leg and a lot of pain when you do move it. You never truly appreciate how much you depend on a healthy body until it has broken down. The past couple of weeks has been absolutely frustrating, not being able to run, work out, walk normally etc. Any odd movements when I'm sleeping causes me to wake up due to the discomfort.

It actually might be a blessing in disguise. My injury actually prevented me from being able to work out or do sports freeing up some time for a little reflection of what I have been up to this point. By setting up so many goals for myself I was depriving myself of my main goal for the summer, strengthening faith. The result so far is that the entire time that I've been physically out of action has probably been the most spiritually fulfilling two weeks I've had in a while. I've forgotten how nice it is just to be able to sit in your room and just read, play guitar and pray.

Funny how you lose sight of the big picture so quickly. Even funnier is what drastic length you have to be put through before you realize how much you take it for granted. Painfully funny.

Inconsiderate

The description fits the bill right on when describing the person I've been of late. What's funny about this is that I've always thought of myself as a person who is very considerate to others. Maybe that's wherein the problem lies. I've gotten too comfortable putting that moniker on myself and as a result, haven't put full thought into how some of my actions affect others. Self centered. No other way to describe it.

All the signs were there from the start too. I think I may have made a mistake I never thought I'd ever be accused of making, trying to do too much. If I look back on all the goals and ambitions that I've made for the beginning of summer there are two things I start to realize: 1) I don't think I fully appreciated how much of a commitment each goal needed to be effective and 2) Everything I've listed out may have had more of undertone of trying to put myself in the driver seat of my life rather than putting God first. Heck, I may have even had the mentality wrong from the start as well. The only problem with trying to live as if you are making up for lost time is that you can't possibly make up for all the things you missed out on in one summer. It takes another one of those things that I seem to lack these days as well, patience. My friend even pointed out too me that you're just killing yourself by doing so. The other sign was that as of late I had become very indifferent in a lot of things that I did. Taking a lot more things for granted and just not having that focus in place.

So now I am suffering and now I feel weak and vulnerable. In a way, this wakeup call is definitely a welcomed sight because the realization is giving me the chance to put things back in perspective. This has to happened and I know that when I overcome this, I will be stronger in spirit and in mind.

Strength and Faith

This will be the first time I quote a verse from the bible in my blogger. But I really like this one.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not dissapoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Romans 5:3-5

It just makes so much sense, it really does.

I've tended to try to avoid the sufferings, the pains and trials in life. It's not something I'm particularly been fond of, and it certainly doesn't help whatever frame of mind I'm in at the time. The past trials of my life is certainly something that comes to mind when I'm on the subject. Sometimes I'll dwell on the past and do ask why I had to go through the things that I did. At the time, I certainly could've done without the hardships. The memories are still in there and they're certainly not pleasant, but painfully necessary. Really, I am no different from anyone else in this respect. We've all had our hardships or are in some cases going through them right now. I used to think that it was all a matter of just simply overcoming or enduring it. I was wrong. What counts is not overcoming it, but in how you overcome it.

The one critical thing I've learned from my many mistakes in life is not to dwell on the past so much and think about where things went wrong or mull over why each and every little thing happened the way it did and why it had to happen to me. Doing so is just inviting myself to enter that vicious cycle of passivity and distraughtness. I've personally seen and been through that cycle before and price you pay for staying in it is absolutely devastating the longer you stay in. So, if we can't or shouldn't spend all the time in the world figuring out the whys, how can we achieve that closure? I guess the simple and debatably unsatisfactory answer would be that there is just a lesson to be learned from it and in the end, it makes you that much stronger a person whether you see it or not.

It's funny, you're really do become stronger when you come face to face with you're weakness and are constantly reminded that you need to really have faith and trust in God during the worse of these times. It really does build character. Only through acknowledging my weaknesses can I ever have true strength and only through trials and suffering can I obtain real faith. I just pray that I do remember this when my faith is being tested.

Unbounded Potential

I'm not at that point yet. Net even close. And I'll probably never will get to that point in this lifetime no matter how hard I give it my all, but it certainly doesn't mean I'll give up. What I'm talking about is getting to the point in my life where I believe I have made the most of the potential that is in me. It's why I picked the name Unbounded Potential as my blogger. To me, it'll hopefully be a constant reminder of never being satisfied with what I have done up this point, because all to often that is what I wind up doing.

Without sounding completely overconfident, I do believe that the potential for greatness and glory is there for the taking. I just to have to discipline to keep striving and keeping my eyes open to what that may be. As I said before, I may never hit the point where I maximize that full potential in this life time, but it's something I'll gun for so God help me. Call it my lifelong goal. Call it sense of permenant desparation. Either way, I've got to get it done, no excuses. A lifelong goal, imagine that.

Hardcore workout regimen

Those of who have me on MSN may have noticed that I've got the words "Harcore workout regimen time" permenantly attached to my name over the past few weeks. This all started with when I saw Supersize Me. If you ever needed the motivation to quit junk food and get yourself into shape, I recommend watching it.

I give the movie all the credit it deserves because it really did get me thinking. We all know that McDonald's and fast food in general were bad for you, but how bad? Watching Morgan Spurlock eat the stuff nonstop for an entire month and seeing the effects it had on his body (gained 25 lbs in a month) and his personality (depressive, tired, ill) were pretty disturbing. It leaves me wondering just how much I've neglected to take care of my body for 21 years and what it's gonna take in me to completely turn it around instead settling for mediocrity.

There's probably a lot of us who find ourselves in that situation. You know, the situation where you really want to accomplish something important, but can never seem to find that motivation to perservere when we don't see the immediate result. On numerous occasions I've been guilty of doing just that. It kind of typifies the lack of patience that I have, even though I know full well the benefits in the long term.

With all this in mind, part of me has come to associate the weight I am so determined to lose as symbolism of all the things that I've quit on because I didn't see that immediate improvement. My thinking is that by overcoming this 21 year burden, it means that I've finally developed that determination to overcome the "quit now, take the easy path mentality" that I know resides in me.

So, the questions I wind up asking myself is: How badly do I want this? Where is that desire in me? That determination? I know it'll take every ounce of strength in me to do it, but I have faith that in coming out as the victor. What drives me this time around isn't personal ambition or self satisfaction, but the realization that the potential has been given to me to accomplish this task. I just need to have that perserverence to keep the desire constantly burning in me...and one hardcore workout regimen. I've got 11 weeks. The clock is ticking.

Spiritual Amazement

So where to start, where to start, where to start...

The first week back was all about getting settled in Oakville again and get a jump start in all of my said goals. The biggest thing that happened to me was seeing Chris Tomlin in concert. For those of you who don't know, Chris Tomlin is a really popular and amazing Christian Rock artist. He was just incredible! Queensway Cathedral was absolutely electric that night, easily worth the $10 I paid. Just hearing that worship music always brings out a sense of sheer happiness and tranquility in me unlike anything else. It never fails to bring a tear to my eye.

I couldn't tell you if the music was better, or the speaker that they had on tour with them. The speaker's name was Louis Giglio and he, along with Chris Tomlin and many others are part of a "Passion" tour directed at holding worship events towards a Collegiate audience in North America. The stories he had about about faith in God were absolutely awe inspiring. What really struck me about him was the amount of endless enthusiasm he had and just the energy you can feel from him when he spoke. I wish I describe to you better what I saw, but words can't do it justice. One other cool thing about Louis is that there's a website that has on-line sermons of his. I'm gonna put up a link to it, when I figure out how.

The Man In The Arena

Here's the full exerpt of the quote I was talking about earlier. It's one of the most famous speechs made by U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt back in 1910 in Paris, France. I absolutely loved it the very first time I read it. It was one of those Eureka! moment where everything just makes complete sense. What I find really amazing is that what was said almost a century ago still very much applies in this day and age. Here's the excerpt:

"It is not the critic who counts; nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotion; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

So summer's here: Part II

Knowing all this, I've got this plan to counter the time crunch. Part of it is to physically list out all my goals for the summer and the other part is to try and make sure that everything I do serves a dual purpose. I've always been told that goal setting is key to organization and success and I'm giving it a real shot this time around.

Here's the rundown of all my goals for the summer: 1) Continue to strengthen my faith in the Lord, 2) Doing an outstanding job at IMO, 3) Become completely fit and toned 4) Try to learn Cantonese 4) Work hard at School 5) Take guitar or piano lessons and 6) Chill with my friends as much as I can. If it sounds like a lot to take on, it probably is. But to take an except from one of my favourite quotes (I'll post it up another time) is "..who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.." How it applies to me is that I don't fear failure as much as I fear never really trying. I can at least live with the first one.

It's already 5 weeks into the summer. Over a quarter of it's gone already. My friends hate it when I point that out. But I think it's critical. For me at least, It'll hopefully remind me to haul ass and not get too comfortable or too content with everything I've done up to this point. It's the thought that counts. Damn I've written a lot.

So summer's here: Part I

So, in keeping up with the theme of remembering the events that go on in our lives, I figured the best place to begin writing about was at the start of summer. At this point, the school year is over and I can begin to look forward to the start of what I hope is an eventful and productive summer back in boring old Oakville. Deep down inside though, part of me isn't looking forward to it because it means that all the people I'm used to seeing every day or so for the past 8 months I'll be lucky if i see them once every two weeks or so.

I guess it's a reality that we all face at some point, one that becomes a bit more permanent once we all finish our schooling, but I don't even want to think about that. The real pity is that this year especially, I got to know so many more people and it's sucks that half of them won't be here next year. Case in point are all the ECE CBC's that are going on internship next year. I know I'll definitely miss all of them when September rolls around.

I've already been through this exercise for two summers so I know what to expect. As we get older, our lives just become that much busier. Come summer, it's like a balance act trying to catch up with your old friends which you haven't seen for a majority of the year along with seeing the new friends you've made. Nevermind the fact that most of the people I know also have a full-time job, school, relationships, you name it, to juggle around as well. And let's not forget time for yourself. That's essential. Time is essential.

Why start now?

Never in this lifetime would I have thought I'd ever be doing an on-line journal about whatever random thoughts that pop up in my head or events that go on in my life. Personally, I used to equate Journals to something like highschool English, which I absolutely despised. And, of course, I wouldn't call myself the most open person in the world, so it just makes too much sense that I would start writing up my own public journals. Which leads to the question is: Why start now?

Maybe I want start capturing some of the thoughts that run through my brain. These days, I'm finding life is going by too fast for my brain to keep up with what happened in the past day let alone the past week. Kind of a scary thought if you think about it. Must be old age. The point being, it's important to remember the events that go on in our lives 'cause to a degree, it defines who we are. Perhaps, this is another avenue to something that I'll start to enjoy doing. If it's one thing I find I'm learning more and more is that anything is possible.

Alright, I'm out. Lates.